Do You Hate Me?
SELF REFLECTIONIDENTITYLOSS
Do you hate me as much as I hate myself?
’Cause I’m an asshole
and I know it.
But what can you do?
I’ve never been the hero in my own story.
Never been the good guy in the white hat,
riding in to save the day.
I’ve been the storm that shows up
and ruins the picnic.
The wrong turn you wish you never took.
The fire that burns down the bridge
before you even get across.
And the thing is
I see it.
I see all of it.
Every sharp edge,
every busted piece of me
that cuts the people who get too close.
And instead of fixing it,
I just learned to warn them
“Careful. I’m not safe to love.”
But warnings don’t stop the brave ones,
and God help them
you were brave.
You stepped right in,
looked me in the eye,
and thought you could handle the storm.
At first, maybe you could.
But storms don’t care who they hit.
And I?
I don’t know how to be anything else.
Do you hate me
as much as I hate myself?
’Cause I’m an asshole
and I know it.
But what can you do?
See… I wasn’t born this way.
I was built.
Piece by piece.
By people who taught me
love was a thing you earn
by never asking for it.
By hands that pulled me close
only to push me away,
over and over,
until my skin learned
to flinch before the touch ever landed.
I learned to keep my walls high
because I’d seen what happened
when they came down.
The world didn’t rush in with kindness
it rushed in with teeth.
And somewhere along the way,
I figured it was better to bite first.
You can call it defense,
you can call it damage,
but either way
it’s mine.
It’s the armor I’ve worn so long
I forgot how heavy it is.
And when you came along,
you weren’t just knocking on the gate
you were chipping away at it.
Every smile was a crack.
Every late night talk was a dent.
And part of me wanted you to break through.
But the louder part…
the part that’s been steering the ship my whole life…
it didn’t believe you’d stay
once you saw what was inside.
So I did what I do best.
I tested you.
Pushed too hard.
Pulled away too far.
Turned love into a maze
I knew you’d get tired of running.
And now here we are
me standing in the ruins,
you somewhere beyond my reach.
Do you hate me
as much as I hate myself?
’Cause I’m an asshole
and I know it.
But what can you do?
You can walk away.
You can slam the door.
You can leave me here to wrestle with the truth I’ve always known
I’m the villain in some stories,
even the ones I wanted to be the hero in.
And me?
I’ll stand here in the wreckage,
hands in my pockets,
acting like I don’t care
even though the truth is,
it’s killing me.
So I’ll ask you one last time
Do you hate me
as much as I hate myself?
’Cause if you do…
I get it, so do I
